Notes on: Before Your Next Fight, Read This

'Before Your Next Fight, Read This' is an article by Daniel Shapiro and was originally published on oprah.com.

Turning An Adversary Into A Partner

Often times when we fight, especially with our partners, it quickly becomes more about how we treat each other than what we were originally fighting about. The game changes to proving that we are right and they are wrong and we treat each other like adversaries and act defensive towards each other.

Sometimes fights are about small things, like who should do the dishes, but even the small things can flare up into a bigger argument, and if these incidents happen often they can rumble the foundation of the relationship.

Solving the big problem first prevents the small problems from snowballing. Remember these 3 steps next time you sense a small scuffle:

• Step 1: take a 15-minute break. When you are defensive your brain is too busy thinking of ways you are right and they are wrong and it doesn't allow you to take a step back and focus on how to actually solve the problem. Regain control of your emotions by stepping away.

• Step 2: channel complete compassion. You may have a wise aunt or friend who has a knack for listening without judging, but steers you into the other persons perspective, and that is what you need to do. Your partner is more likely to listen once they also feel heard, and considering their perspective will make you better understand why they feel the way they do.

• Step 3: communicate the new understanding. When you go back to them tell them what you have learned from digesting what they have said and thinking about their perspective. You will notice their anger wane as soon as they feel you have truly listened and now with both of you having time to cool off and a shared perspective, you are able to work together to solve the problem.

This approach works even better when the person you are arguing with also uses it, but even if they do not, as long as you keep focusing on the partnership you will eventually find yourselves on the same side where the only way to win is together.